Excerpts from Teacher Sheryl’s Chalkboard

Life has a way of throwing all kinds of crap at you until
you eventually learn its little lessons. For a while now, I have been praying for the right attitude in dealing
with my struggles. No, I do not ask to
be spared from bad days, nor do I wish for a problem-free existence. After all, I believe such difficulties mold our
character and put into test the stuff we are made of. I just want to be able to cope. To cope well and to come out of each hurdle
stronger and wiser.

The past few weeks — months even — haven’t been easy. In one of my psychotic attacks, I was even
led to believe that everybody around me was trying to make my life a living
hell. Nothing seemed right. I could not find solace in anything. I felt like such a failure.

And then I finally got it.

Sometimes, people think that when you put your heart and
mind into something — when you give your best, when you go the extra mile –
you can expect great results. It happens
all the time, whether you are dealing with your career, your health, your
finances or your relationships. You work
hard at something and expect to reap what you sow. Seems fair, right? But life isn’t. And nobody ever said it was. So when you expect, you will most likely end
up disappointed.

I used to have a Pollyanna-eyed view of the world. What happened?? Real life happened. And I do not mean that in a bad way. I grew and I became a better person because
of such realizations. These should be
worth all the pain and the scars.

Besides, I am not at all jaded. I still have faith in people. I still believe in true love. I still experience life’s little miracles
once in a while. But I also know that
things will not always be perfect. I
know that your best efforts can still be left unnoticed. I know that even if you give it your best
shot, you will still not be guaranteed the results you strive for.

But these are not reasons to settle for mediocrity. I am still passionate about the things I do,
and I still aim for quality. Only now, I
have learned to choose my battles. I
have learned to find fulfillment in giving my best and in doing the right
thing, whether or not other people recognize it. I have learned to lessen my
expectations. I have learned to never
lose hope. And I have learned to do
everything with love, no matter what.

Surprisingly, this made my heart a lot lighter.

One of my cousins is getting married in December, and Emily is going to be flower girl. We went to the designer this afternoon for her measurements. On our way home, we had one of our “Wedding Talks” again. We’ve been having a lot of these lately. Maybe because she is beginning to realize that there are going to be some huge changes in our lives in a few months…

Emily: Mom, when you get married to Daddy, are we going to move out of our house?

Me: Of course, Anak. We have to find a place of our own, where Daddy can live with us.

Emily: So we’re not gonna be staying with Lola and Lolo anymore?

Me: No more. Just you, me and Daddy. But we will always visit.

Emily: Can we get a house where there’s TV?? With Disney Channel??

Me: Sure, we’ll get cable.

(silence)

Emily: Mom, can you not get married yet?

Me: What?? Why?

Emily: Because I’m not yet ready to move out. I need more time.

Nyahahahahahaha! “I NEED MORE TIME???” What a line!

*faints*

It was a Sunday, and it was clean up day for me. (Never mind that by
Monday afternoon — MAX — the room’s surely going to be a mess
again!)  Anyway, I was picking up stuff scattered on the floor and
came across a small yellow notebook with red stars on the cover.
It looked familiar.  I picked it up and browsed through it.
The writings on the first few pages told me that it was my daughter’s
diary.  I know she keeps a journal.  I see her write entries
regularly, but I never really bothered to read what she writes.
This time though, I took the notebook, closed our bedroom door (because
she might see me snooping, hehe), sat down and read on.

The entries were common thoughts of a six-year-old: (unedited)

Dear Diary I’m Emily So much Fun Going to be Grat and Fun! Haha (written on Sept 15, 2206)
Dear Diary Tuseday Is School Just like Monday Right (written on Sept 11, 2006)
Dear Diary Today I’m Going to do Something (written on Sept 12, 2006)
Dear Diary I have to go hury now
(written on Sept 16, 2006) –> We were on our way out that time and
I was already telling her to stop writing because we have to hurry!
Dear Diary I love My Family And I Now They Love Me (written on Sept 18, 2006)
Dear Diary My Toy is in School and I am Going to get it (written
on Sept 21, 2006) –> this was when her toy got confiscated by her
teacher! She never heard the end of my lecture!
Dear Diary I am going to drink my Medicines Before Breafast (written on Sept 23, 2006)
Dear Diary Yesterday There Was A Play Its Fun And Wonderful (written on Sept 24, 2006)
Dear Diary I saw Erine and Mrs.Tope At Jollibee and Jan At the Mall (written on Oct 2, 2006)
Dear Diary I’am Having A Party Today Maxine’s Party (written on Oct 7, 2006)

There’s actually more, but I really just want to share my favorite entry…

Dear Diary I’m Emily I’m telling God That Please Guide Mom because Shes Not here yet (written on Sept 9, 2006)

So sweet.  I felt ultra-guilty pa because we fought the day before. I completely lost my temper and got all "monster-y" on her again.
I should really watch it next time.  My daughter is so sweet,
sensitive, considerate and selfless — the last thing I want to do is
kill that beautiful spirit. 

And so I am telling God to please guide me too… and help me become a better Mommy to my Emily.

You come to a point where you start to reassess your life. You think about the friends you keep, the
values you uphold, the wrong choices you have made, the career you pursue and
the goals you have set. And then you wonder if you lead a gratifying existence.

At 27, I think I have reached just that.

I am beginning to realize that some of the people I hold
dear are turning out to be really big disappointments. Some of the wrong choices I have made in the
past continue to haunt me until now. The
job I love is starting to lose its appeal and I am seriously considering a
career shift.

Ugh! I need to weed out some things in my life that seem…
well, for lack of a better term… IFFY.

But then again — I look at myself, consider the things I
have accomplished, count my blessings, take a quick look at the things around
me — and I generally like what I see. Life isn’t so bad. No matter how rotten it gets or how much sh*t you
have to endure sometimes. At the end of
the day, there will always be so much to be thankful for. Besides, being happy and content is really
just a matter of choice.

Thursday afternoon. I
was making quesadillas and salsa in the kitchen when Emily suddenly marched
in…

Emily: Mom, we need to talk.

Me: Huh? What do we need to talk about?

Emily: I need to talk to you about my baby sister.

Me: WHA???! What baby sister? You don’t have one!

Emily: Yes, I know, I know. I mean, when it comes out!

Me: Okay. So, what about your baby sister?

Emily: I want my baby sister to be twins!!!

I almost fell on the floor, either out of laughing or out of
shock!!! Okay, here’s the deal
Sweetheart: Sure, I’ll bear twins. Just
make sure YOU can take care of them and DADDY can support them!!

Unbelievable!

It’s ten o’clock. I’ve been telling Emily to sleep for almost an hour already. She, however, manages to stay awake with her
pleas to read stories with me, her requests for countless glasses of water and
her unending questions. One question
left me stunned though…

Emily: Mommy, what is LIFE?

Me: uhm, well, it’s…

I was simply at a loss for words, trying to come up with an
explanation that a six-year-old would understand. I was about to grab a dictionary in desperate
search for help when I started to gather the right words:

Me: Okay.  LIFE,
Honey, is something that we have, and because of it we breathe, we move and do things. Without it, we…

…and then she interrupted:

Emily: Because I heard on TV, Max told his Dad Goofy: “Why
don’t you just leave me alone and get your own LIFE!!!:”

And then I realized that I had to put our lessons on
vocabulary on hold for a more important lesson on MANNERS and RESPECT!!!

I spent the whole day last Sunday (I am not exaggerating) sorting
out Emily’s books. You see, she’s been looking forward to buying new books at the Book Fair, and we wanted to make room for them.

I had to get all the books out and dust the bookshelves. With
each book, Emily and I had to decide together if we would either keep it in the
bookshelf, put it in the box to be kept in the bodega, or give the book
away. Now you know why it took us the
whole day! There were just too many books
to sort out, and she couldn’t let most of them go.

Being the whiner that I am, I was (again) in the brink of
complaining about how painstaking the task is, (AND the amount of money I’ve
spent on all these books through the years!!) when it dawned on me that I
should actually be thankful for how my daughter turned out. Emily has this immense passion for reading
and learning, and it just amazes me. I
don’t take credit for it though for I was never one to pressure her with
schoolwork. Sometimes, I even forget to
remind her to do her assignments! When I’m around, she calls me to work with
her. When I get home late, she does her
homework by herself — ready for me to check when I arrive. She keeps herself
busy by drawing, reading, writing in her diary or working on her activity books. She LOVES to read and she has developed this
habit of reading a book or two (even by herself, when I am not around to read
to her) before she goes to bed.

I am so proud of my daughter. I do not know what I’ve done to deserve her,
but I know it is by God’s grace that she turned out this way. She is so loving and sweet. She is smart and diligent. She is helpful, considerate, and receptive to
other people’s needs. She is a happy
person, with so much love and joy to give. She is such a blessing to our family!

To Emily: Thank you Anak, for helping Mommy fix the books,
despite the sniffles. Thank you for making clean-up more fun for Mommy by
simply being your adorable self. Thank
you for turning off the TV and for getting ready for bed without me telling you
to do so. You are an angel, do you know
that? And what’s more amazing is, nobody
taught you how to be the way you are. When you have your own children, I only
wish that they make you as proud as you make me! I love you, my little one!

On our way home today, I asked my daughter random questions
about safety, strangers and precautions.
I wanted to be sure that she knows what to do when unforeseen
circumstances arise.

I asked her questions like…

Me: What will you do if a stranger offers you candy?

Emily: I’m going to tell him that I just went to my doctor
and my doctor said no more sweets!

—–

Me: What if someone asks you to go with him and tells you
that he will bring you to Mommy?

Emily: I will say “No thank you, I think I will look for my Mommy
by myself.”

—–

Me: What will you do if you get lost in the mall?

Emily: I will look for a guard and ask for help.

(I pushed it further because I wanted to see how she would
handle it)

Me: What if you cannot find a guard?

(I thought she’d say that she will look for a salesperson
instead. But she answered…)

Emily: Then I’ll just stay in one place.

Me: And then what??

Emily: I know you’ll find me!

I was completely overwhelmed by my daughter’s faith in me
that I just had to pull over, hug her and say: Yes Anak, you’re right, I will
find you!

Until now, I can still hear her words ringing in my head:
YOU WILL FIND ME… and I know that I have uttered these words several times myself.

I am a Christian — a Roman Catholic. I hear mass, I can
recite the prayers, I know verses from the bible and I believe in God. But truth be told, I wish I had a deeper and
a more meaningful relationship with the Lord.

Like everyone else, I have strayed from the right path and I
have done things that make me far from being a good Christian. I knew I was doing
wrong, but sometimes, it is just so much more convenient and fun to do the
things I desire than to follow His will. But when I had found myself in the
darkness, it is Him I cried out to for help and deliverance.  Despite my imperfections, God in all His goodness,
lovingly sought me… and found me.

To this day, I continue to work on my relationship with Him.
I am not perfect and I will never be, but I try my best to be obedient. It is,
after all, what being a good Christian is all about. I know though, that I will continue to commit
mistakes and I will continue to do things that will break His heart. But I do
know too that God’s love for me is so great, and that as long as I trust Him to
take control of my life, He will find me, hold my hand, lead me to the right
path and help me become the person He intends me to be.

Just what is it in me?
Sometimes I just don’t know
What keeps me in Your love,
Why you never let me go

And though you’re in me now,
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord, please show me how
To know just how you feel

You have forgiven me
Too many times it seems
I feel I’m not what you might call
A worthy Christian after all

And though I love You so
Temptation finds its way to me

Teach me to trust in You
With all my heart
To lean not on my own understanding
I just forget
You won’t give me what I can’t bear

Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don’t wanna be there

You’ve never left my side
You gave Your hand to me to hold
Oh Jesus, I’m no longer in the cold

And yet, I leave You there
When I feel satisfied
I’d like to thank You every day
Not only when I feel that way

I’ve never known a Man
Who’d give His life for sinners like me
And yet, because He loves us so
He’s promised us eternity
And we can have that promise
And be His if we have faith
And just believe

A lot of people believe that marriage is not about finding
the “right” person. Rather, it is about
ones readiness to take the plunge, settle down and commit oneself for a
lifetime. They say (and part of me
believes it’s true) that it doesn’t matter how great the chemistry is or how
compatible you are with your partner. Because if you are not ready to get married and spend the rest of your
life with someone, then the relationship will — sooner or later — fall apart.
That is why there’s this certain person in our lives whom we call “the one that
got away”. I have seen this happen many
times to people who are dear to me, to couples I personally know. And while (at that time) I couldn’t
understand why such things happened, I just thought and believed that they were
not “meant to be.”

But when you have grown and have matured enough to commit to
something as huge and as permanent as marriage, then your views will inevitably
change. And you will find yourself doing
everything and working for the relationship — not so much because “he is the
one”. It’s more like, “I am ready.”

I refused to believe this ten years ago. But I was 17 then. And at that time I was idealistic, naïve and
was just beginning to try my luck in love. I used to believe that being in love is enough reason for a
person to get married, and when you finally meet the person you are
“destined” to
spend the rest of your life with, “you will just know”. But now, I think marriage takes more than
just the rush you feel when you hold hands. I don’t think it’s about “just knowing”. It is about choosing, making decisions (and praying to God you made the
right ones!!!)

Since Jwyn and I announced our engagement, people — good
friends, old friends, relatives, and even acquaintances — ask me why him. And while they have nothing against Jwyn, I
guess they are merely wondering why on earth I am again riding on the same
horse that gave me a bad fall years ago.

There are also these people who have seen me rise after that
fall. And they have seen me pull myself
together until I was whole again. They
cried with me and for me, and they have always been there sharing my pains and
letting me know that I was not alone. Because of them, I have survived six years of single parenting. They are the ones cheering me on and boosting
my ego, especially during those times when I have forgotten my worth.

I know that these people want to be completely happy for me
now that things are falling into place. But I guess part of them worry about my future with the man I intend to
spend the rest of my life with. I wish I
could assure them — and MYSELF — that things are going to be okay. That things are different now and that they
(and I) have nothing to worry about. But
I can’t, because I do not know that for a fact. I do know, however, that when a person decides to marry, she must make
sure that her heart and her mind agree. 

I do not pretend to know it all. I am not saying I am mature enough for
marriage. I don’t even know if I will
EVER be ready for it. All I do know now
is that I made a choice. And yes, I
intend to stick by it. Because love and
marriage are, well, all about choices and decisions. There are no guarantees, no assurance, no
warranty. Right now, the only thing I am
sure of is that my mind and my heart DO agree. And I know that’s enough.

I work with children, and I cannot imagine myself doing
anything else.  Despite the monetary
compensation, the unpaid overtime work, and the additional work you
occasionally have to bring home after a long day — I LOVE MY JOB.

When I tell people that I am a preschool teacher, I get
either a bright smile or an amused stare. “Naku, mahaba siguro ang pasensya mo”, their usual comment. Or “Mahirap ba? Hindi ka ba nakukulitan sa
mga estudyante mo??”, they would ask. Well, yes it’s a tough job, and there are days when I just cannot take
the children’s restlessness. And my
“pasensya”? Hah! It’s anything but “mahaba”. I have bad days too, and when I get so stressed out I feel like just
setting all the worksheets and artwork on fire. (I know, I know… EVIL!!!)

But, at the end of the day, you get this indescribable sense
of fulfillment that comes only from working with children. There is something about their giggles and
their hugs; their innocence and candidness; their “ka-pilyohan” and their cute
antics. Children are just so much easier
to please, and they WILL let you know that you are appreciated. They will make you feel that you matter. Their world is so simple, they are
unpretentious and worry-free. And in
their eyes you will see sheer happiness and absolute sincerity. Needless to say, being able to encounter and experience
all of these things is priceless, and no amount of paycheck can make up for
that.

I miss being a kid. And
though I am well aware that certain things are part of growing up, I miss not
having to worry about the bills, work, requirements, exams, relationships, parenting,
money and responsibilities. My recent
trip to Hong Kong Disneyland with my daughter allowed me to experience just
that.

You see, my daughter will be turning 6 in less than a
month. As a birthday gift, her Lolo and
Lola sent her to Disneyland. I was merely a “sabit”. It was actually my daughter’s trip and I was
her chaperon. I was excited, yes, but I
was excited for Emily — I know how badly she wants to meet Mickey, the Disney
Princesses and the rest of the gang. As
for me, well, I was just too happy and thankful that I didn’t have to spend
anything to make my daughter’s wish come true. I felt really blessed.

When we got there, I found so many other things to be
thankful for. The three-day vacation was
the most reviving break I have had in years. It was the most fun I have had in a really, really long time. Though I often go out of town to take a
breather, there was something about Disneyland that made me see things in a different light. Maybe because it is a kid’s place. Maybe because everything there is picture perfect, as if lifted out of a
fairy tale book. Or maybe because I was
overwhelmed by everything I saw that I was incapable of thinking of anything
else.  Whatever it is,

Disneyland
certainly brought out the kid in me. I
was in a place where I didn’t have to worry about my finances, or the final
requirements I have to complete for my Grad Class, or the people I have to face
again in June, or the wedding plans, or my hang-ups. I wasn’t living for the future, nor was I
living in the shadow of the past. The
things around me simply compelled me to just have fun, leave my worries behind,
enjoy myself and live the moment.  It was
so liberating.

That’s what I forget to do.
Live.  I forget to live.  I often allow the complexities of life to eat
me up, that I forget to enjoy the beautiful things. I do not know how I have become
so jaded.  But I do know that there is a
better way of dealing with things that wear me down.  Because growing up does not necessarily mean
growing old…

My curious five-year-old and I were on our way home…

EMILY: Mommy, diba you came from Lola’s tummy??

ME: Yes Sweetie, I did.

EMILY: And I came from your tummy, right?

ME: Uh-huh.

EMILY: Mommy, I don’t want anybody coming out of MY tummy!!!

ME: (I laughed) But Sweetie, it’s nice to be a Mommy.  When you’re bigger, you’ll be a Mommy too.  Then I’ll be a Lola.

EMILY: How old will I be when I become a Mommy?

ME: Hmmm, when you’re MUCH MUCH older.  Maybe when you’re 26 or 27.

And then…

ME: But remember, before you become a Mommy, you have to get married first, okay??

EMILY: Mommy, are you married?? Diba you will get married to Daddy pa lang???

ME: (I laughed again…
hysterically!!) Haaay Anak.  No, I’m not married yet. That’s why I
was wrong.  Because I became a Mommy first before getting
married.  Mommy was wrong.  That’s why YOU have to remember
that you have to get married first before you become a Mommy, okay
Honey??

EMILY: Okay Mommy.

ME: You promise?!

EMILY: I promise!!!

My little girl is growing up so fast.  Oh goodness, this is too much for me.

Help!